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Do fairy tales really come true?

Jun. 22nd, 2009 | 09:52 pm

 I'm not a good story teller. Typically, whether long or short, by the time I tell my story, its either a) passed over quickly or b) blank stares, blank stares, blank stares. Part of me used to chalk it up to simply not being animated enough, not having the "right" words, the sarcastic tones, the humorous mumbo jumbo. Now, I'm starting to realize my stories lack any umph because my life is stagnant. Particularly at this point. If there was ever I time I felt like a loser - even THE BIGGEST loser - its now. 2 colleges degrees, a laundry list of debt, no career (let alone a job) and a pocketful of lint. I feel like I've lost myself. If you would have asked me last year at this time - my statements would have been vastly different. I finally HAD found myself - I knew who I was. My positivity these days has abandoned me. I suppose that just proves that life is certainly chock  full of ups and downs. And one must appreciate the "ups" to the fullest and take the "downs" with a grain of salt.

Here's what I wish for the upcoming *and immediate* future: 

Finding my element.
Being able to successfully and happily tell my story (having a worthwhile story to tell) 

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self education

Jun. 24th, 2008 | 02:55 pm

i have a horrible habit of reading books .... being completely into them... and then weeks later being unable to conjure up just what it was I read. It is for this reason, I'm going to start a summer reading list -

Though I know there have been more, this is what I'll start off with. What I've read in 2008: (synopsis's borrowed from amazon.com to stir back my memory)

1) Dry by Augusten Burroughs
Burroughs has a successful career in New York advertising and is a raging alcoholic. He's in denial about his problem, so he's surprised when his co-workers stage an intervention and even more surprised when he reluctantly agrees to a 30-day rehab stint. The book follows his attempts to remain sober, deal with his past, and cope with some harmful romantic relationships.

2) Teacher Man by Frank McCourt
For 30 years Frank McCourt taught high school English in New York City and for much of that time he considered himself a fraud. During these years he danced a delicate jig between engaging the students, satisfying often bewildered administrators and parents, and actually enjoying his job. He tried to present a consistent image of composure and self-confidence, yet he regularly felt insecure, inadequate, and unfocused. After much trial and error, he eventually discovered what was in front of him (or rather, behind him) all along--his own experience.

3) My Friend Leonard by James Frey
Fresh from a stint in jail from pre-rehab-related charges ("On my first day in jail, a three hundred pound man named Porterhouse hit me in the back of the head with a metal tray."), clean-living Frey returns to Chicago and gets sucker-punched with a cruel blow that will leave readers ducking for cover in anticipation of the blinding bender that's sure to come. But then the titular Leonard, the larger-than-life Vegas mobster ("West Coast Director of a large Italian finance firm") whom James befriended in rehab, steps into the story and serves equal parts unlikely life coach, guardian angel, and father figure for the grief-stricken author, adopting him as his "son" and schooling him in the fine art of "living boldly":

4) Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies & the Truth about Reality by Brad Warner
Warner has appropriated the phrase "Question authority," a longtime battle cry for the punk-rock aesthetic, for use as a Buddhist mantra. Much of his book is laid out like a memoir. Readers follow the author from high school and his interest in '70s rock music and philosophical thought through his musical career under names like Zero Defex and Dimentia 13 and finally to his dream job with the Japanese television studio that produces the popular live-action children's show, Ultra Man. The common threads throughout are a rabid interest in transcendental meditation and enlightenment. A conversational tone and endless streams of pop references to everything from Minor Threat to TheMatrix movies make this a readable and even fun book. Warner stresses that enlightenment and meditation do not come easy, which separates his writing dramatically from many other Western books on Buddhism.

5) My Life as a Traitor by Zarah Ghahramani
The second-year Iranian college student in 2001 knew that making that speech meant trouble, but she had no real expectation of being kidnapped in the heart of Tehran and hustled off to the notorious Evin Prison. Eventually, the 20-year-old Ghahramani is sentenced to 30 days and a few days—and several beatings—later is dumped in a vacant countryside to make her way home. Scenes from a happy family life (crippled by the Iran-Iraq war) and a spirited adolescence (cut short by a repressive regime) alternate with the prison experiences in this multilayered account. Ghahramani, daughter of a Muslim father and Zoroastrian mother, both Kurdish, dips with brevity and grace into personal family history and public political history. Graphic and powerful as her treatment of torturous imprisonment is, Ghahramani retains an irrepressible lightness, perhaps born of knowing that [a] sense of justice can always benefit from a complementary sense of the ridiculous. Her painfully acquired knowledge of how easy it is to reduce a human being to the level of animal does not keep her from wondering if I'll ever be pretty again. Nothing, however, dilutes the bare bones prison experience. Her straightforward style, elegant in its simplicity, has resonance and appeal beyond a mere record.

6) Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter
Ashley Rhodes-Courter's memoir is must reading for anyone who cares about children and their welfare. This brave young woman's account of the long road she traveled after being forcibly removed from her birth mother's care to eventually finding security with a family who nurtures her in ways she never could have imagined is a heartbreaker. While the often terrifying journey ends well for Ashley, we know there are thousands more "lost" children out there who will never be as smart, as determined--or as lucky.

7) Fat Girl: A True Story by Judith Moore
Fat Girl, is not for the faint of heart. It packs more emotional punch in its slight 196 pages than any doorstopper confessional. But the author warns us in her introduction of what's to come, and she consistently delivers. "Narrators of first-person claptrap like this often greet the reader at the door with moist hugs and complaisant kisses," Moore advises us bluntly. "I won't. I will not endear myself. I won't put on airs. I am not that pleasant. The older I get the less pleasant I am. I mistrust real-life stories that conclude on a triumphant note.... This is a story about an unhappy fat girl who became a fat woman who was happy and unhappy." With that, Moore unflinchingly leads us backward into a heartbreaking childhood marked by obesity, parental abuse, sexual assault, and the expected schoolyard bullying. What makes Fat Girl especially harrowing, though, is Moore's obvious self-loathing and her eagerness to share it with us. "I have been taking a hard look at myself in the dressing room's three-way mirror. Who am I kidding? My curly hair forms a corona around my round scarlet face, from the chin of which fat has begun to droop. My swollen feet in their black Mary Janes show from beneath the bottom hem of the ridiculous swaying skirt. The dressing room smells of my beefy stench. I should cry but I don't. I am used to this. I am inured."

8) A Girl Named Zippy: Going Up Small in Mooreland Indiana by Haven Kimmel
Haven Kimmel, or Zippy as she's come to be known due to the fact she used to zip around the house as a toddler, has opened her life to us. The laughter begins on page 2 when Zippy's sister comments on the type of people who would be willing to read a book about life in teeny Mooreland, Indiana.Zippy reminds me a bit of a female Dennis the Menace -- little bit of a pest, but sweet, mostly innocent, and a lot curious. The stories inside are told with a poignant tone, a wistfullness for the days when life was simple, despite how big it all seemed when you were only 3-feet-tall.

9) Lucky by Alice Sebold
When Sebold, the author of the current bestseller The Lovely Bones, was a college freshman at Syracuse University, she was attacked and raped on the last night of school, forced onto the ground in a tunnel "among the dead leaves and broken beer bottles." In a ham-handed attempt to mollify her, a policeman later told her that a young woman had been murdered there and, by comparison, Sebold should consider herself lucky. That dubious "luck" is the focus of this fiercely observed memoir about how an incident of such profound violence can change the course of one's life. Sebold launches her memoir headlong into the rape itself, laying out its visceral physical as well as mental violence, and from there spins a narrative of her life before and after the incident, weaving memories of parental alcoholism together with her post-rape addiction to heroin.

10) Driving with Dead People: A Memoir by Monica Holloway
Death lurks everywhere in Holloway's childhood. A neighbor boy accidentally shoots and kills a train conductor; a little girl is mowed down by a motorist. Her father's main hobby is filming grisly car wrecks and natural disasters, and her best friend's family runs the town mortuary. Observing the dead in their coffins, Monica wonders: would she be better off in a casket than alive in her parents' home? In this memoir, Holloway (an actress turned writer) tackles the horrifyingly familiar story of father/daughter incest: the secrecy that surrounds it and the ways it corrodes families from the inside out. Even though her memories of the abuse were repressed, evidence cropped up everywhere, from her chronic bed-wetting and compulsive lying as a girl to her adult attraction to abusive men; when her older sister, JoAnn, comes forward with her recollections, Holloway begins to remember her own trauma.

11) My Life with Bonnie & Clyde by Blanche Cladwell Barrow
Bonnie and Clyde were responsible for multiple murders and countless robberies. But they did not act alone. In 1933, during their infamous run from the law, Bonnie and Clyde were joined by Clyde's brother Buck Barrow and his wife Blanche. Of these four accomplices, only one--Blanche Caldwell Barrow--lived beyond early adulthood and only Blanche left behind a written account of their escapades.

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snagged from

May. 20th, 2008 | 01:55 pm


* a deep & meaningful = a serious talk about the relationship's future.

* the slow fade = letting a relationship die out by slowly stopping contact, versus having a talk about it.

* the long, dirty road = breaking up but continuing to sleep together.

* the good old RDT - Relationship Defining Talk - the inevitable discussion about Where This Is Going.

* the NCMO-  "nick moe" an acronym for the Non Committal Make Out.

* the M.R.S.- an acronym for a woman who attends/hangs out at a college or university for the sole purpose of 'earning' her "Mrs."

* an Elevator or Mr. Otis-  A person, usually male, who has a habit of quickly ditching his latest flame and acquiring as much of her possessions as possible.

* waffling: sleeping with your ex

* the Groundhog. As in Punxatawny Phil. The guy who is all into you and then gets "scared" and jumps back into his groundhog home.

* emotional Vampire - someone who sucks all the good energy out of you, usually through emotional manipulation and/or passive aggressive behaviour

* autopilot=heart not really in the relationship.

* the Ick = that feeling that comes over you when the crush wears off. Once you have it, there is no saving the relationship.

* pash-n-dash - a lustful kiss, but never to see kissee again.

* snogarama - lots of kissing and not much else

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wounds vs scars

May. 13th, 2008 | 08:23 pm

Can you ever really trust someone? I'm talking REALLY trust them? Or will there always be a word someone goes back on? A white lie someone tells? A devastating action withheld?

Perhaps I'm a bit over-analytical at times, making mountains out of mole hills. But then again, maybe there wouldn't be mountains if there weren't secrets, lies, betrayals. Yea.. I've been cheated on and lied to, talked about behind my back. In my past.

It's made me wary. (Although, not cynical. And I suppose perhaps I would be better off if it had made me cynical.) The last thing I WANT to be is wary. Why would I ever want to question, ever second guess? Especially when it comes to someone's feelings for me - be it friendship, love or otherwise.

I know the past can't and shouldn't determine the present or the future. And I've be damned (for the most part) if I'm going to let the past effect me in this new "life" I've proposed upon myself.

But.... amidst all the "strong" woman talk .. there's still a teensy tiny piece left of a little girl who fears being hurt. I don't find myself crying often. And when I do feel it coming on, I hold it back. I let that lump in my throat fester. There's not much that will let that lump win - Stress, bad days, mean bosses, physical pain, bed ridden sicknesses - they will all take that lump and wreck it. They'll swallow it up and not a tear will be shed.

You lie to me - you break that trust I give you - that is what makes me lose it. It won't damage me, it won't destroy me. What it will do, it will make me lose the struggle between mind/body. Even if its a single drop, that tear will shed, itself, alone.

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I'm just about sick ...

May. 9th, 2008 | 03:13 pm

of waiting for this student teaching placement. First we were told we'd receive them by the end of March, then sometime in April... well here it is the middle (ok, ok so beginning) of May and I still haven't heard a word. Some of my fellow grad students have but NO, of course not me. The one that is probably the MOST anticipatory over the entire thing. Not only am I just plain-as-balls curious but I also need to know so I can start making living arrangements.

There haven't been many times in my life that I have felt such excitement for something. But I surely am for this. I'm finally following a path in life that I think I'll enjoy and I'm doing so entirely for myself. This move won't benefit anyone else (no boyfriend, friend, or parent) but me. For the first time, I'm going on my gut instinct and proving to myself that I can DO SOMETHING!

Now .. WCU ... let's get that god damn ball rolling!

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all aboard the bacon wagon

May. 6th, 2008 | 02:57 pm

Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Posted on Tue, May 6, 2008 Zoom + | Zoom -
Overturned pig truck causes traffic delays

EAST WHITELAND -- An overturned pig truck is causing headaches for motorists this morning, but has since been removed from the highway.

Police say the tractor-trailer hauling live pigs flipped onto its side on the Route 30 bypass ramp to Route 202 north in Exton.

The accident happened about 6 a.m. According to reports, it took approximately four hours for the pigs to be loaded onto another truck and clear the ramp.

No injuries were reported. There is no word about the condition of the pigs.

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(no subject)

Apr. 30th, 2008 | 09:48 pm

I don't find myself writing often enough. God knows its because I'm hyper critical about it. There's moments when I'm filled with such intense pleasure or sorrow that my words just ooze out. Overflow. And then there's what seems like decades that go by where there's (as a previous entry noted) I just type and delete. Type and delete. You better believe the count is up to round 3 on this particular entry as well.

So, obviously I'm simply thinking too much. This isn't my graduate english class, nor is it ever going to win a pulitzer in "inspirational and poetry blog composure".

Blahiddity blah blah blah.

Life's too good right now to worry about hang ups. If I could deal out my "happy points" I would in a heartbeat. "Spread the love" so to speak. Though, I have to be somewhat skeptical. How long will this so-called euphoria last? Maybe it's not so much the moment as it is me. I find myself stressing how much I've changed, life has changed, over the past couple years.

I'm content because of my mindset.

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(no subject)

Apr. 17th, 2008 | 03:08 pm

holy week of bad luck

#1 Received a speeding ticket in the mail from when I was in AZ. Not only do I have to pay a $150 fine but was also charged a $40 fee on top of that from the car rental place. YIPPEE!

#2 My check engine light went on yesterday and my roommates demanded me to take it to the garage instead of just trying to attempt my NY trip with my fingers crossed. $390 later my Audi's got a new air flow meter, air filter and some kinda sensor. German cars = expensive parts!

AT LEAST I get to see my boyfriend tomorrow. :)

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Absurd Days

Mar. 26th, 2008 | 11:45 pm

There's nothing quite like being called out of the blue and told that you're job assignment will be ending in a week due to your lack of focus and accomplishment. The only thing that may take the shock away from that is when they decide to call you back two hours later and proceed to tell you to forget the entire thing and that you can continue on with the job.


I tend to pride myself on being a decent worker, one who accomplishes the tasks at hand, as well as, interacts with others in a positive, upbeat manner. You could imagine the shock and surprise I endured when I was basically told I was being fired yesterday. It's true - my heart doesn't lie in my current position. Its simply something to accrue financial stability and responsibility while I navigate my way through school to receive my teacher's certificate. That said, I still believe in putting effort into whatever it is I do. The reality that, that was questioned yesterday made me realize a number of things.

#1 No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone ALL the time
#2 Even if you do a good job, life ain't fair and it will often go unnoticed
#3 Though people should THINK before they ACT, they often don't.
#4 The corporate world, I was reassured, isn't for me. Reaffirming choosing to work in the education field is much more conducive.
#5 People are mindless fucks.
#6 Ok, ok. Even though "bad" things happen, I'm in much too good of a place [in life] to make small matters (such as this) construe my mindset.
#7 Most importantly. Laugh. At any and all situations. Its truly the only way to live.
#8 and totally unrelated. <3s for my boy. Anyone that sends packages = perfection.

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Mar. 19th, 2008 | 12:43 pm

So both my trips, to Santa Cruz and Arizona, were beyond amazing. After a long time haitus of "hating life", I think the tables are beginning to turn. Nothing gets my heart more motivated than beautiful skies, tasty eats and an array of people I care for.

- santa cruz

- tempe, scottsale, sedona

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